Alma - Tom Lehrer

"Last December 13th, there appeared in the
Newspapers the juiciest, spiciest
Raciest obituary that has ever been my pleasure to read
It was that of a lady name alma mahler gropius werfel who ha
Her lifetime, managed to acquire as lovers
Practically all of the top creative men in central europe
And, among these lovers, who were listed in the obituary
By the way, which was what made I
Interesting, there were three whom she went so far as to marry
One of the leading composers of the day: gustav mahler
Composer of das lied von der erde and other light classics
One of the leading architects
Walter gropius of the bauhaus school of design
One of the leading writers: franz werfel
Author of the song of bernadette and other masterpieces
It's people like that who make you realize
How little you've accomplished. it is a sobering tho
For example, that when mozart was my age he had been
Dead for two years. it seemed to me
I'm reading this obituary that the story of
Alma was the stuff of which ballads should be made so here
The loveliest girl in vienna
Was alma, the smartest as well
Once you picked her up on your antenna
You'd never be free of her spell
Her lovers were many and varied
From the day she began her -- beguine
There were three famous ones whom she married
And God knows how many between
Alma, tell us!
All modern women are jealous
Which of your magical wands
Got you gustav and walter and franz?
The first one she married was mahler
Whose buddies all knew him as gustav
And each time he saw her he'd holler
""ach, that is the fraulein I moost have!""
Their marriage, however, was murder
He'd scream to the heavens above
""I'm writing das lied von der erde
And she only wants to make love!
Alma, tell us!
All modern women are jealous
You should have a statue in bronze
For bagging gustav and walter and franz
While married to gus, she met gropius
And soon she was swinging with walter
Gus died, and her tear drops were copious
She cried all the way to the altar
But he would work late at the bauhaus
And only came home now and then
She said, ""what am I running? a chow house?
It's time to change parters again.""
Alma, tell us!
All modern women are jealous
Though you didn't even use ponds
You got gustav and walter and franz
While married to walt she'd met werfel
And he too was caught in her net
He married her, but he was carefell
'cause alma was no bernadette
And that is the story of alma
Who knew how to receive and to give
The body that reached her embalma'
Was one that had known how to live
Alma, tell us!
How can they help being jealous?
Ducks always envy the swans
Who get gustav and walter
You never did falter
With gustav and walter and franz
I know some people feel that marriage as an
Institution is dying out, but I disagree and
The point was driven home to me rather
Forcefully not long ago by a letter I received which said: ""d
G, I love you and I cannot live without you
Marry me, or I will kill myself."" well
I was a little disturbed at that until I took another
Look at the envelope and saw that it was addressed
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs
More and more frequently these days in books
And plays, and movies on, is the inability of
People to communicate with the people they love husbands and
Who can't communicate; children who can't
Communicate with their parents, and so on
And the characters in these books, and plays
And so on, and in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoanin
Fact that they can't communicate
I feel that if a person can't communicate
The very least he can do is to shut up"