Billy The Mountain - Frank Zappa

Mountain
Billy the mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree
Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
Hack
Hack up a boulder
Hack hack
Hack up a boulder
Hack hack hack
Hack up a boulder
Now one day a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big
Lincoln continental and he laid a huge
Bulging envelope right at the corner of billy the mountain
Right where his 'foot' was supposed to be
Now billy the mountain he couldn't believe it
All those postcards he'd posed for for over these years
And finally now at last his royalties
Billy the mountain was rich his eyeball caves widened in amazement
His cliff
Which was his jaw
It dropped thirty feet
Ooh a bunch of dust puffed out rocks and boulders hacked up
Hack hack hack hack hack hack hack
Crushing 'the Lincoln'
Now the man in the checkered suit well
Without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset
All the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there
Including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for the Valley
I don't want to stand here
All night in this bar
Dear lord
I don't want to stand here
All night in this bar
No s**t
I don't want to stand here
All night in this bar
By two o'clock and the bars are already closed down
Billy had already broken 'the big news' to Ethel
With dust and boulders everywhere billy choked with excitement announced
Ethel we're going on a vacation
Yes and they were going on a vacation
Oh and Ethel Ethel Ethel Ethel just like a woman
Of course she was delighted she creaked a little bit
And some old birds flew off of her
Hey Mr Tambourine Man play a song
Billy told Ethel they were going to
They were going to New York
Ethel we're going to
New York
But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas
It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
Drink a few beers
Oh Ethel
Ethel my darling
You know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
Oh neet o
Glad we could have a
Vacation this year
They left that night crunchin' across the mojave desert
Their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds
Ethel want to get a cuppa cawfee
There's a Howard Johnsons want to eat some clams
The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base
And to this very day 'wing nuts' and data reduction clerks alike
Speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when
Test stand number one and the rocket sled itself got LUNCHED
By a famous mountain in and his small wooden wife
Good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
George Putnam
His biggest new story
That has broken this year
Take it away George
Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links
This mountain and his wife to d**g abuse
And pay offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring
However we can assure parents in the Southern California area
That a recent narcotics crack down
In Torrance Hawthorne Lomita
Westchester Playa del Rey Santa Monica
Tujunga Sunland San Fernando Pacoima Sylmar
Newhall Canoga Park
Palmdale Glendale Irwindale
Rolling Hills Granada Hills Shadow Hills Cheviot Hills
Will provide the secret evidence
The Palmdale grand jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment
And pave the way for stiffer legislation increased federal aid
And avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inland empire
But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethel is a former Communist
Within the week Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon
Wah wah wah nice lady
To raise funds for the injured
Injured
And homeless
Homeless
In Denver
As Billy had just levelled it and a few miles right outside of town
Billy caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the earth's crust
Right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs just as a freak tornado cruised through
Sucking up two thirds of it
Suck suck suck
For untimely dispersal over vast stretches of WATTS
Now it was about this time I think it was right outside of Columbus Ohio that billy got his notice to report for his induction physical
Now believe me Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go
I'm not gonna let you go billy
And george putnam the right wing creepo fascist pig newscaster from los angeles said
Take it away george putnam
The right wing fascist radical creepo pig newscaster from los angeles
We now have confirmed reports from an informed orange county minister
That ethell is still an active communist
And it's this reporter's opinion that she also practices witch craft
It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase
Belonging to the one mortal man
Who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'america herself'
Now some men say he looked like
He looked like
Felix Pappalardi
Felix Pappalardi
Still others say
Others say
Bulls**t man
Bulls**t man
He was just born
He was born
Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristede's
Frozen beef pies
Still others say
Others say he was just another
Again he was just a crazy Italian
Crazy Italian
Who drove a red car
You see it was hard to tell
But nobody knows
Nobody knew for sure
For sure
He was so
So
Mysterious
Mysterious
Oh yes he was
He was so
He was so he was so
Mysterious
He was so
Mysterious
Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell
About a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
What
Or if he has a son named 'pinocchio'
Or what
Whether he's really a nice person or if he has a son named 'pinocchio' or what
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing
Like neil sedaka
And all the girls in flushing
Would be amazed of him
Two three
Amazed of him
Time passes
January February March July
Wednesday
August
Irwindale
2:30 in the afternoon
Sunday Monday
Funny Cars
Walnut
Friday
City of Industry
Big John Mazamanian
So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase
Thank you
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
Grabbed it
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice：
Yes this is he what a mountain with a tree growing off of its shoulder
You're fulla s**t man what what uh are are you sure
Oh well alright let me write this down then sorta take a few notes here to new york
Causing untold destruction
My baby my baby my baby my baby oh
My baby my baby my baby my baby
My baby my baby
My baby my baby my baby
My baby my baby
My baby my baby my baby
Wanted for draft evasion
Can I can I fly there immediately and reason with him
An expense account and per diem too
Some men say he could dance
Yes he could dance
And here it is ladies and gentlemen
The studebaker hoch dancing lesson